For a very long time, from my first ever climax to approximately two years ago, orgasms came easily. I rarely struggled to come, and there were times I was able to do so quickly when I wanted to, both with my partner and without. It was also relatively easy for me to time them, to choose exactly when they happened so that if I wanted to, I could orgasm at exactly the same time as my partner.
It’s something I think I took for granted sometimes, and I wish so much that I had made more time for them when they were more obtainable. Like most people though, life got in the way. There were health issues, babies, a partner that struggled to initiate, and a busy schedule. The regret I hold for not taking advantage of the (mostly) healthy body I had then is overwhelming.
These days, orgasms are much more difficult to achieve. Firstly, I am on a ridiculous number of medications. At least four of them can impact libido and/or orgasms, according to the packets, and it is likely that they impact the way my nerves connect to my brain. Secondly, my body is generally extremely fatigued, which means often I spend time thinking and imagining but don’t get round to doing, as well as making the physical act tiring. And of course there is always a heavy cost involved, I know there will be pain and stiffness and difficulty moving for days afterwards.
As a 17 year old I used to crave touch. I would lie in bed, and run my fingers over the skin of my shoulders, and wonder whether anyone would ever want to do the same with theirs. I think it represented connection for me then. Connection and letting go.
Those things are still important, but at this moment, orgasms represent freedom to me. They are a moment in time where all of the pain, all of the limitations, all of the inhibitions fall away and I am able to be fully myself without censoring my deepest feelings and expression. Fully wildly free. I think that is why I long for them so much, find myself thinking and dreaming about them, over and over, wanting freedom from this weary lonely place I find myself in.
It’s a deeply emotional struggle. It brings back memories of being that 17 year old longing for connection and pleasure, the feelings of being unwanted and rejected when my partner was unable to initiate, the huge cavern of grief from the impact of long covid, and the desperate fear that I am running out of time to get my needs met, as my health inevitably declines.
I want, so badly, to let go of restraint, of self-consciousness, and of everything that hurts, and be free.