I took this picture for the chair prompt week, and didn’t post it. Not because it wasn’t ready, or it didn’t fit the theme, but because I was having a mini wobble about my photos and their suitability for Sinful Sunday. The truth is, I looked at everyone else’s amazing work and I didn’t feel I measured up.
Someone must have nominated me for the sex blog awards, because I was on the list. I saw my name there and I felt immediately like an imposter. I write about sex sometimes, mostly in the context of disability (not super sexy), but my images are generally just nudes. I don’t have much more to offer, because I don’t have a lot of access to kink, or even just sex, most of the time. I am stuck in my broken body, wanting things I can’t reach. My partner is ace, and I don’t have the physical capacity do much more than capture the occasional nude in the bath, or while getting dressed, a mammoth task by itself. I don’t write about fucking. I don’t put words on the page that turn people on – I am not even sure I know how to.
It has taken me several weeks to wrestle with this in my mind, and to come to a place of acceptance of myself and my voice. I started this blog in part because I was horny. I was struggling with what it meant to be a sexual being in a broken body that no longer functioned the way I needed it to, with the desire to change the way I perceived my body and learn to love it better, and with the longing to be part of something that looked incredible. A sex positive world seemed wonderful to me, and even though it all seemed out of reach now that I was disabled, I wanted to be a part of it. And though my body refuses to conform, my mind has always been a hothouse of horn. My respectable outsides can be very deceiving.
My voice does matter. My experience of sex and sexuality may be coloured by my childhood exposure to purity culture as well as my disability, but these are stories that matter too, and are part of the wider story in sex blogging. So I hope that you will continue to allow me my simple nudes, when those are all I have the energy for, and that as I explore new experiences and new people I will be able to be brave enough to share more of the fun stuff. Because I do write about fucking. It is just as yet unpublished.