I am not ok
I am so very not ok.
This is not going to be a fun or popular post. I have been dreading writing it for weeks, hoping that waiting might make it go away. The truth is, I was beginning to feel some measure of hope again, gradually building towards a slow but meaningful and connected life, and then something changed.
I don’t know what was the trigger. Moving house perhaps. The virus that we all had at the beginning of October. The ongoing ear infection. Maybe it was the vaccine boosting my Long Covid, but whatever it was it has completely reduced me to zero again, both in my body and in my head.
I go to bed in pain every day. I wake up in pain. I can’t manage the basics of caring for myself. Showering is hard work, and I spend most of my day in bed. I am lonely and I am absolutely utterly fucking gutted, and once again I feel like I am missing out on new opportunities. I can’t pretend that after two and a half years that being pushed back to the starting line is manageable. It is not. I cry every day. I click like on your posts and I sob and sob because I can’t do that. I can’t do that thing that you do, that I long to do. I can’t even manage fantasising any more without remembering that pain makes it all impossible.
I shared this picture this week for Sinful Sunday. The truth behind the picture is that this is very real. I am not pretending for the camera. Just taking this shot meant that I spent the rest of the day with ice packs on my legs and the scream is there constantly in the background.
I don’t know how to keep going. It is one hundred percent brutal, one hundred percent of the time, and I am beside myself with grief.
I think I prefer the shot in black and white. It is the stark reality that I am faced with every day. A life half here, half lived, just marking time until I’m gone.
I wish I was closer. I wish I could help. I will be here all the way.
I do not mean to be superficially complimentary, but I would like to believe you are stronger than you think. You are able to express your thoughts here and that takes some courage. Like all bad things this too shall pass. I really hope and pray you feel better soon, physically and mentally.
Few of us in reality get to live the lives we want. Our thoughts and prayers sent your way for better outcomes in the future.
Despite everything it’s nice to see your face
Tehehehehe
I wish for you a way to find relief. Hugs and warm thoughts.
Thanks David.
I only just read this… Massive hugs my friend. Like Honey I am here and your friend always
Molly
Thank you Molly. I do feel very lucky to have you and other twitter friends. In my worst moments, you are all what keeps me going.