Beautiful

Last week, I tweeted this:

Sometimes when my life feels small and boring, and I feel like I have no power or autonomy, I open the hidden folder of photos on my phone and remember that I am brave and bold and wild beyond imagining.”

Living with chronic illness for the most part is an ongoing battle with pain and disappointment, and depression and hopelessness can quickly work their weasely way in and ruin my day. It can feel a bit like whack-a-mole, dealing with each new drop, and so finding the moments of joy that I can access has become absolutely essential to my survival.

One of the most powerful tools I have now is that folder of photos, telling the story of those moments of joy, of bravery, and of change. They remind me that I have not chosen to sit still in my disability (though I do sit still, most of the time) but to actively work against the thoughts of worthlessness and grief of loss in ways I had never imagined were possible.

I may not be able to access the things I once loved doing, or physically make the effort to support others the way I long to, I may not have control over the way my body is changing, but I can and have made the most of the moments I can to create something beautiful, and see that beauty in myself as well.

I used to play the piano, among other things. It was a source of great joy and fun for me. I can only dabble a little now, but I can find other ways to enjoy the music!

Sinful Sunday


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