No Shame

“The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.” 

Sigmund Freud 

I can’t completely agree with this. I don’t believe there is any shame in not doing masturbation well, whether that means not achieving orgasm, or finding it difficult in some way to make it work. We all have to learn how to masturbate anyway, as all our bodies are different. I have plenty of colourful stories on that subject (perhaps for another day!) but there is a different reason I am glad this topic came up.

I probably never thought much about masturbation before this year. It was part of my life of course, a very enjoyable part, but after ‘figuring it out’ in the early part of my life it was never a problem per se.

The first time I noticed it was mid February. I already knew my legs weren’t working properly. I’d pushed myself a bit too much after getting covid during the first wave, and by January was struggling to walk. In February I had just started a delightful flirtation with a guy in another country, and the morning after I realised just how many muscles are involved in orgasm. (There are a lot). The pain in my legs had been severely triggered and once again I was having trouble walking. And a new thing – my arms felt painful and weak as well.

Since then I have had to learn that masturbation is not an activity I can choose whenever I like. There are days when I need to pace, to rest and to avoid overuse of my muscles, and during those times I can’t give in to my desire no matter how badly I might want to (and you know I want to. Not being allowed something makes it SO much more desirable).

I also have to consider techniques. Speed is often a necessity. The less time I spend overusing muscles the better. Working on relaxing those leg muscles was a learning curve, one that I’m still figuring out. Vibration is a killer – although I’m often too weak to use my finger and arm muscles (especially if I’ve been on Twitter a lot!) a toy with a lot of vibration sends waves through the muscles in my arms, and this can tire them out very quickly.

My trusty Zumio is great, but I have to weigh up the difficulty with the vibrations. Using a plug or dildo can be very helpful in turning the dial up a bit quicker in order to reduce the impact. I don’t know whether having a partner ‘help’ counts as masturbation or not, but there have been times I’ve had to ask someone else to hold the vibrator for me, because I physically can’t (I’m lucky to have someone I can ask, not everyone has that option). Sometimes though, the only choice left to me is to retreat into my imagination, and spend pleasant hours dreaming and fantasising. Sometimes sufficient on its own, it also means that when I do decide to risk my energy and pain levels I’m more likely to respond quickly.

I’ve also had to learn that medication can also mess with things. I’m currently tapering off my pain medication, a nerve blocker that blocked the signals between my clit and my brain. I had to spend several frustrating hours with the Zumio trying to achieve my usual ‘two minutes and done’ orgasm, to no avail and with a terrible impact on my pain and mental wellbeing, before I realised the link. I have been tapering now for a week, and haven’t yet found the courage to try again.

Is it worth trading in pain for orgasms? I will let you know, the next time I’m brave enough to try.

So, there is no such thing as ‘the shame of not doing it well’. Do it, any way you can, and when you can, and don’t be embarrassed if it isn’t the perfect experience you read about or wanted every time.


8 thoughts on “No Shame”

  • It’s strange and sad that somehow we’re even trained to compare *the way we enjoy ourselves* with other people or with how it’s “meant to be”.

    Asking out of interest, not as crap advice: when you’re not up to a full-blown session with orgasms, are you able to get worthwhile pleasure by touching yourself in arousing ways, or does that just lead to frustration at needing to stop? (Or maybe exhaustion from prolonging it too long.)

    (By “worthwhile”, I mean pleasure which makes you feel afterwards that you’ve enjoyed yourself. Not another value judgement!)

    • Yeah. Society has a lot to answer for!

      I think the question for me really is always ‘is this worth causing pain and fatigue for’. If I’m not up to an orgasm, then I’m probably not up to touching myself either. Imagination however is always free, and I really enjoy the feeling of ramping up arousal with fantasy. The nice thing about this as those feelings are ‘in the bank’ as it were, for the next time – it tends to build over a number of days rather than minutes.

  • Oh yes, I can imagine that build-up. I’m glad it works that way for you (rather than just being frustrating). Then when you are up to a proper session, it’ll be a particularly good one . . .

    I’m sorry you have that trade-off to deal with, though.

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