39

39 is a really fucking awful year to get a disability that affects your sex life. 

This time last year I was just beginning to feel myself. I had spent my twenties sorting myself out (mini therapy plug!) and my thirties in the midst of new parenthood, but by March 2020 I had started a job I loved, I was enjoying getting outside for runs a few times a week and my partner and I were exploring new and interesting avenues that had sparked my libido. Now? All that, gone. Except for the libido. That has stuck around to torment me.

Instead of being able to enjoy it however, I have to spend my days resting, sitting quietly and trying to reset my overactive nervous system while my brain offers me fantasy and imagination, slowly ramping up my needs and driving me crazy. 

And so the question has become – how do I retain a sense of my sexuality, how can I continue to see myself in a sexual way, even though I can’t easily have sex. And the answer is (at the moment anyway) – photography.

It was rather innocuous at first. Nothing too fancy for the moment as I have no strength in my arms to hold an SLR, but an offhand request for a nude made me curious. I’ve actually never taken photos of my naked body before, but after that first shot I realised just how good it made me feel. I’m still me, I’m still beautiful, my body is still beautiful, even though it is broken right now. I’m trying to love it. This is how.